Bizarre Tale of Innuendo

Inquisition Scout Report No._____

Uh, so these things have numbers, too? All right; let it be One. After all, I am pretty sure this is the first time anyone thought of somerhing like this. Even if I do say so myself.

Mission Name

Uncanny Sound.

Yes, I think that's appropriate. Pretty catchy, and reflects the nature of the operation perfectly.

Supervising Advisor

No advisors involved. Our own initiative, through and through. We just pilfered one of these blank report form thingies off Leliana's table. The kid sneaked up on me when I was snooping around the rookery, and, completely out of the blue, as is usually the way with him, suggested we leave a slice of cake for Leli to make up for taking the report. Oh, and he tapped me on the shoulder first - so quite naturally, I soared to the ceiling like one of the birds around me, and hurried to delegate this task to the kid himself. 'It was your idea,' I said, 'So see to it, instead of scaring the piss out of people'.

I never checked if he did see to it, though. Knowing him, he probably did - and maybe I did check and he made me forget.

Agents Involved

Myself, obviously. I can be Agent V, for a more cloak-and-daggery feel. Can't go wrong with cloak-and-dagger. Then, there's Agent Bull and Agent Sparkler. Here, write something, guys:

All right, Agent Bull it is. At least you didn't try to call me Veridium Bull or something.

Why is Varric in charge of filling this in, anyway? I do believe I have a far more elegant style - and look, my refined calligraphic handwriting is perfect as ever, despite all the drinks we have been having here! (Hence, incidentally, the soggy round spots around this missive's edges)

All right, all right, Sparkler, that's enough. I am in charge because this was my idea - and I say we take turns writing and not fill up all the space!

Oh please. You yourself have just wasted a whole paragraph on rambling about Cole. You are just jealous of my handwriting.

Stop squabbling like girls over who's prettier!

I am, obviously.

For the record, that weird squiggly line was me taking the quill away from Sparkler and giving it to Bull.

Mission Objectives

Track Target A to rendezvous point with Target B. Prove the theory that Target B is capable of making Target A produce the 'uncanny sound'.

My oh my, I love it when you get all business-like! I am never tired of seeing the work of the spy's mind that hides behind this delightful rugged exterior.

You know, if you want another dinner for two, you can just ask!

Hey, hey there, we are getting to the best part!

Mission Summary

Agents V, Bull and Sparkler successfully located Target A in the training area, where she was sparring with an oversized walking black shrub (That is, Blackwall, who was getting beaten into a pulp and had taken off his shirt to cool off. He did not even need horns to get tangled in it... Eh, nevermind. Qunari metaphor)

Ah, I think I heard that one before... Do you have any other colourful Qunari expressions in store, my big friend?

Just for you, you mean? You might be surprised...
Oh yeah, the report. Right. Over to Varric.

Apparently sensing that she was being watched, Target A turned her head to see what the Agents were up to. The Agents, however, were prepared to protect their cover at all costs: V and Sparkler used their superb stealth skills to slide behind Bull's back; Bull, in turn, thrust his hands into his pockets and gave Target A one of his broadest grins and loudest 'Heeeey's.

I call it playing the 'I was just passing by' card. Any Ben-Hassrath will tell you that it's usually a damn stupid thing to do, and nobody who has a habit of keeping their guard up ever buys into it - but we were up to damn stupid stuff anyway, so I figured, why not. I was still a bit surprised, though, when Ca... I mean, Target A did not notice extra arms poking out from behind me.

Most likely this happened because she had other things on her mind. Did you notice how her eyes wandered past Bull's delectable torso (Thanks, I guess) all across the courtyard?

Oh, yes. After all, I, Agent V, timed this mission with meticulous precision: Target A follows a strict daily routine, and it was easy to determine that she, as Bull put it, always rendezvous with Target B when she finishes her training session.

And thus, shortly after exchanging greetings with Agent Bull, Target A told Blackwall that it was time to call it a day, and headed to the bathing rooms.

You two were tempted to peep through the door while she was in there, weren't you? Come on, admit it - even I was tempted, and I am not known for drooling over naked women. Just think of the sporting interest of it all: I believe our Target A is wonderful screamer and blusher! If we burst in on her, it would have been a treat!

Hey, maybe we could make it another mission? I would actually pay to see Sparkler here being chased and smacked with a wet towel!

Likewise with you, Bull. Completely and utterly likewise.

Oh, ideas... I approve! But we still have to write this one down! Andraste's undies, we must look like a bunch of cuckoos, sitting here in the corner, scribbling away in silence, giving each other meaningful stares, and only raising our heads to call for more drinks...

Yeah, by the way Krem is looking at me, I think he will send all the Chargers on a quest to find a guy who can fix my head. It was worth it, though!

Ah yes, so very worth it! I believe it is here that we come to the part when the three valiant Agents bided their time patiently Target A was done (thank the Maker she has short hair, which takes much faster to dry! I was getting really tired of standing plastered against the wall like an exceedingly handsome poison ivy plant). When she finally stepped out of the bath, the cloak-and-dagger procession tailed her on her way back to the courtyard...

Ugh, I still feel sort of crammed after all that tip-toeing! Didn't I tell you already that just because I am a spy, doesn't mean I do this sneaky blade-in-the-dark stuff?!

Yes, I believe your first words when you met the Inquisitor on the Storm Coast were, 'Hi, I am Bull, and I am supposed to spy on you', were they not? But thank you for going through the tip-toeing ordeal for this mission's sake. For one thing, Agent V and I found the sight of your huge bulk doing ballet steps immensely entertaining.

Watch it, or I'll slap you so hard that your pretty nose will get all lopsided!

I think that after we are done here, you guys will need to get a room.

We will see about that. I cannot make important decisions like that yet: my judgment is not sufficiently clouded by drink. But - back to reporting, eh?

All right then. Target A proceeded to her rendezvous point - which happened to be on the second level of a two-storey building. But this was no obstacle for the Agents, who quickly spotted a conveniently located window, and, as soon as Target A went inside, sprang into action.

Mind you, Agent V, I am still pretty miffed that I had to be the middle link in that construct that we pieced together to peer through the window. Of course, being supported by Bull's strong Qunari arms is not the least pleasant experience - but dwarven boots dragging mud across my pristine outfit and constantly sliding into my face... That was very traumatizing.

Besides, since you were the one who received a leg-up from me, you got to actually poke your head through and do all the spying! Whereas we poor souls below had to contend with nothing but muffled sounds of voices!

Calm down, Sparkler! You were still amused by what you heard, right? And I am just getting down to describing what I saw when you two lifted me to the window!

Picture this:

Target A is pacing back and forth across the room, chewing at her lower lip nervously, with her hands behind her back and the customary tiny storm cloud brewing over her head. A short while later, the wooden steps begin to creak, one by one, as though answering a roll call...

Roll call? Really? And why have you switched to present tense all of a sudden?

I am trying to add colour to the scene! You are the one who complained about not getting a visual - so I am giving you a visual!

Like I said, the wooden steps begin to creak, under the weight of someone's feet, skipping upstairs in a light, springing gait. Target A stops in her tracks and, pulling her gloves off hurriedly with the help of her teeth, tosses them away somewhere, without looking (and nearly hits me in the face with them, by the way!). Then, she smoothes her freshly washed hair and readjusts her jacket, with a faint flush spreading over her cheeks as she does so.

Ahhh, that must have been positively adorable! Now I understand why you got so unsteady on your feet all of a sudden. Too busy fawning to keep your balance?

Well, not fawning - more like fighting back a snicker. But anyway - it's at this point that Target B finally arrives on the scene.

No doubt, ruining his chiseled elven features with a goofy grin?

The goofiest grin of them all. And I would bet anything that he had this same expression glued onto his face all the time while he was racing upstairs. Maybe he put it on even earlier, back in the courtyard. I can so see him whizzing past those visiting Orlesians as if he was one of them - wearing a bug-eyed, toothy mask of giddy, exaggerated happiness...

But getting back to the report: Target B arrives, and with him, comes the most decisive moment of the mission. Target A may make the Uncanny Sound at any moment! The tension is building up!

Meaning the tension in my arms while I'm trying to keep you two goofs from falling.

Yes, that too, I suppose.

So, Target B makes a broad step towards Target A, his arms spread wide and his grin breaking all the possible goofiness records. Target A, however, does not seem too tempted: she bites into her lips again and turns away, wrapping her arms around herself and fingering the rim of her shirt till it begins to fray. Target B's grin instantly turns upside down; he knits his eyebrows together in confusion and says...

Wait, wait! Let me handle this! I have memorized the conversation word for word, and since we are writing a report, no matter if it's a sort of drunk, stupid one, we have to follow the protocol.

Great thinking, Bull! Allow me to make some additional remarks, though - after all, I was the one who observed their faces.

All right, let's shoot, then.

THE DIALOGUE

TARGET B(sulking like a scolded child):

Have I done something wrong? By the gods, Cassandra, I haven't even crossed the room's threshold properly!

TARGET A (clawing at the fraying fabric more and more intensely):

No, Arryn... It's me. There's something I need to tell you. Have to tell you.

TARGET B(taking a small step back and almost toppling down the stairs):

Errr... You - you aren't with child, are you?

TARGET A(whirling round on her heels, with eyes ready to pop out):

What?! No! Maker, no! I - I can't even begin to dwell on that subject! I can't even dare to begin... Dream to dare to begin...

TARGET B:

Yes, ithink I got that... But in that case - I am out of ideas.

TARGET A(lowering her head and running her fingers through her hair in imitation of one of those hangover Mare-Fart statues in Val Royaux):

I rather wish it was a child, though... Unready as I am to bear it, a child would have been a sign from the Maker... This - I am not even sure what this is. A desire demon's trickery, perhaps. All I know is that ever since we... got together, I have been terribly, agonizingly ashamed of it. I vowed to myself never to tell you, lest you push me away in disgust - but the pain of keeping a secret from you is just too much to bear. I have to tell you, or I will suffocate.

TARGET B(coming closer and making sneaky sort of preparations for a surprise hug.):

You can tell me anything, vhenan. You know I might try to throw a fireball at you first - but then, I will do my utmost to help you. I promise.

TARGET A apparently noticing Target B's preparations and helping him complete his hug, by taking his hands and guiding them, so that he ends up closing his arms round her shoulders):

Thank you, Arryn... The - the thing is... shortly after our arrival at Haven... I - I started having dreams. About you. Dreams that belong in the smuttiest of Varric's... opuses. As our trust in one another grew, so did the dreams' frequency - and the level of detail. When I saw Mother Giselle tending to your wounds and noticed that your vallaslin extended down your entire body, I... I dreaded drifting off to sleep as I kept vigil by your bedside. Because I knew that, now matter how grave the situation, no matter how serious your injuries, no matter how deep my concern for your life, I would still dream of those twisting, thorny wines, running under... under my fingertips...

(At this point, Target A begins to look like she's about to break down into tears... Maker's armpits, Bull, how can you keep a straight face while transcribing all this?!)

I... I am sorry. I know it must sound horrible, degrading, abhorrent... But I could not carry on like this any longer. I will understand, and support you completely, should you wish to end this, here and now... and never want to speak to me again...
.

Ahhh, there it is! Look, Varric, he is snorting through his lovely bull-like nostrils! He is about to burst out laughing!

Good thing he did not laugh back then. That would have blown our cover to the Fade and back. Come on, Bull, here's the quill; I'm returning it to you so you can finish with the dialogue. Just remember to breathe and to hold it straight.
All right. All right. Breathing. Ahh, that feels good. Ready to go on now.

TARGET B (with the grin slowly returning):

So that was it? You got all dramatic on me because of something as simple as naughty dreams?

TARGET A (I'd say that the emotions here include relief because Target B does not take this seriously - and offence, also because he does not take this seriously):

How can you say that?! It's not simple! It's far from simple - it's wrong, for one thing, and...

TARGET B(Oh, what an eyebrow waggle! Pity you guys did not see this!):

But you and I can make it right, vhenan... So very right!

TARGET A(making the tell-tale disgusted noise):

Why do I get this persistent feeling that by make it right you mean...

TARGET B:

Make it come true, of course!  Just think about it: we are no longer the unreachable objects of each other's secret desires; we can do whatever we want during our alone time! So just rely on me: as a good Inquisitor, I will help you combat your demons by facing them!

(Target A stares at Target B in flabbergasted silence; note that they are still embracing one another, though... Annnd... Target B goes on)

Yes, I know what you are thinking: you are recollecting how awkward and clumsy I was the first time. But you cannot deny that I am a fast learner; and I always did have a knack for acting! Just - just make sure there aren't any dreams where I am the poor downtrodden elven slave and you are the domineering human mistress. That's very insensitive. For anything else, I'm game. Actually, I could even be literal game... Like a halla or something...

Oh yes, yes, yes! This is when it happens! This is when our theory is proven! This is when we actually hear it - the Uncanny Sound! The real, actual Uncanny Sound, making its way up our Target's throat and right out of her mouth!

And it truly is uncanny - it certainly doesn't match Target A's image, does it? And yet, there it is: slightly hoarse (due to lack of practice, I'd wager), but loud, and carefree, and happy, just as the sound of this sort should be.

I think she said something else afterwards - something like 'You foolish elf'... But I can't remember for sure, because they started making these juicy snogging noises, and you two started climbing down and shoving your feet into places I didn't know I had... Places even the most experienced tamassrans wouldn't know I had.

Well, we had accomplished what we came for, had we not? We had uncovered yet another one of our favourite elf's talents (anyone preparing dramatic fanfare? I am about to write the most impossible paradox in the history of Thedas!)

MAKING CASSANDRA PENTAGHAST LAUGH.

I must say, Sparkler, it does look impressive in your handwriting. I think we should make a trophy out of it and hang it over the Inquisitor's bed.

Ugh, my hand is tired from writing down all that back-and-forth between them... But hey, it's even funnier this way! Personally, I am curious about these dreams of hers...

Not me, thank you very much. I am pretty sure it would be like a reenacted version of one of those Swords and Shields books in real time... I would rather stay away from that. No offence, Varric.

None taken, Sparkler. By the way you are looking at Bull, I would say you have some ideas of your own about dreams...

Yes, yes, my dear dwarf, I get your hint. We have used up more than enough paper. Time to drink the last of this tavern's supplies and go where the liquor takes us.

You two have fun, then. I will go and stash this somewhere. For future generations.